TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



635 



py 1 



HARRY L NEWTON'S 

One-Act Comedy Sketches, 

Monologues and 
Dramatic Episodes 



^ 



<^ 




A Rose of Mexico A Drama 

A Pair Of Pants Talking Act 

A Jack And His Queen A Comedietta 

An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch 

Chatter Monologue for Males 

Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch 

Family Secrets Monologue 

Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode 

Keep Your Eye On The Ball 

Comedy Sketch 

Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama 

The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy 

Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch 

What Every Woman Thinks She Knows 
Suffragette Monologue 



M. WITMARK & SONS, 
Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, NewYork 



TWO GIRLS AND HIM 

A Coniedv Classic in One Scene. 



By 
HARRY L. NEWTON 



Copyright 1913 by M. WITMARK & SONS 
International Copyright Secured 



M. WITMARK 8c SONS 

Publishers 

Witmark Building, 144-146 W. 37th Street, New York 

CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS 

Professional performing rights reserved 



PI . ^ 






4^ (y ^ 

<i -7 



TWO GIRLS AND HIM. 

Note. — The acting rights of this Sketch are ex- 
pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom 
theatrical managers and performers who 
wish to produce it should apply. Amateur 
representation may be made without such 
application and without charge. 



D 34015 



CHARACTERS. 

Timothy McDuff Station Agent 

(Also other things at O'Hell) 
Florence Feathertop, Late of "A Dish of Prunes'^ 
Company. 

Birdie Feathertop Her Sister 

Locality. — Exterior of Depot at O'Hell. 
Time. — Early evening. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Florence and Birdie Feathertop gave Up steady 
work in New York City to go upon the stage. 
They joined "A Dish of Prunes" Company, and at 
the opening of the play we find them stranded at 
the depot of the little town of O'Hell, with about 
five cents between them and no way of getting back 
home, unless by walking. 

Timothy McDuff, the tender-hearted old station 
agent — the dream of whose life has been to save up 
sufficient money to buy a phonograph — is made 
aware of the girls' story, and, bidding good-bye to 
the hope of -ever getting his precious phonograph, 
pays the girls' way back to the city. 

Every minute of this little playlet is brimming 
with interest. 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE,. 

D.R.C. C.O. bX.C 



R.U.E. I 
R.3.C. / 

J 
I 



LX. 

AUDIENCE,. 

L. I. E. — Left first entrance. 
R. I. E. — Right first entrance. 
L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
L. C. — Left centre of stage. 

C. D.— Centre door 

D. R. C. —Door right centre. 
D. L. C— Door left centre. 



V 



Two Girls and Him 

Scene.— An exterior, with drop showing outside 
of depot at the small town of O'Hell. There is a 
sign, "O'Hell," in large letters center of drop about 

ten feet above stage. A window marked 'Ticket 
Office" is R. of C. At L. of C. is a door. Both 
window and door must be practical. At each side 
of stage are switch rods, to hold lighted lamps. 

Curtain rises to sound of train starting ; locomo- 
tive whistle and all the noise of a train gradually 
dying away in the distance. 

Curtain music, "Good-bye, Girlie, and Remember 
Me," or anything similar. 

(Enter Florence and Birdie; Florence leads 
dog by chain. They stand, looking off, as if watch- 
ing train disappear; then look up at drop.) 

Birdie — Well, here we are, dumped off the train 
and it's about seven dollars apiece from here to 
home. Have we got seven dollars apiece? No. 
Well, what's the answer? 

Florence (Sadly) — I don't know. I haven't got 
a cent. 

Birdie — And I have a dollar-eighty less than that. 
And, hungry — gee, sis, but Fm sure hungry ! 
Florence — Well, you would be an actress. 



TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Birdie — Yes, and we'd have been all right if the 
show had only got to (local town). 

Florence — I have no desire to upbraid you, sis- 
ter, but I told you that we were all right and had a 
sure thing waiting on table in that restaurant back 
home, but you listened to the manager of that 
show and not to me. And — {Waving hands de- 
jectedly about) Here we are. 

Birdie — Oh, cheer up, sis ! Your face looks like 
yesterday's three-cent bunch of soup vegetables. 

Florence — Yes, I must be cheerful. {Laughs 
mirthlessly.) 

Birdie — If that manager hadn't told me I had a 
swell voice, I'd never joined the troupe. 

Florence— How did he know you had a swell 
voice ? 

Birdie — He heard me call "ham and" to the cook. 

Florence — ^And on the strength of that you be- 
came an actress. 

Birdie — No, nearly one. Gee, if we'd only got 
to (local town) ! 

Florence — Oh, what would mother say if she 
knew? 

Birdie — Mother will never know from me. But, 
say, I'm awful sorry I got you in bad; but when 
that manager told me I had talent — gee, things got 
so lonesome around that restaurant, I could have 
gone to jail for company ! 

(Timothy throws up window and bawls out in 
imitation of a train caller, calling names of stations; 
then slams window shut again. The names of stOr- 



TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



tions must he unintelligible and speech delivered in 
a sing-song voice, in comedy manner and style pe- 
culiar to the ordinary train caller.) 

Florence — What did he say? 

Birdie — I don't know. I'm a stranger around 
here myself. 

Florence (Laughs) — You will look on the bright 
side, won't you ? 

Birdie — Sure. What's the use? Say, I'm going 
to ask him how much a ticket costs to New York. 

Florence — ^What's the good of that? We can't 
buy one. 

Birdie — Say, we've got to have some womanly 
pleasure. That wouldn't be the first time we've 
priced things without buying 'em. I'm going shop- 
ping. (Goes to window and raps on it.) 

Timothy (Raising window; wears cap with 
"Porter"' on «V)— Well? 

Birdie — Does this road run into New York? 

Timothy — This road is liable to riin into any- 
thing, young woman. (Slams down window.) 

Florence— Isn't he the cheerful one ! 

Birdie— Yes. I wouldn't have his ingrowing 
grouch for money. Here goes again. (Raps on 
window.) 

Timothy (Raising window) — Well? 

Birdie — We want to go to New York— 

Timothy— Well, I'll let you go this time; but 
don't ever ask me again. (Slams window down.) 

Florence (Law 0-;^^)— Well, of all things!— 



TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Birdie — Yes, and then some. But he's not going- 
to slide anything over on yours truly. (Raps on 
zvindow.) 

Timothy {Raising window]y^S3.y, for the love 
of Killarney, now what's feeding on ye? 

Birdie — What's the price of a ticket to New 
York? 

Timothy (Takes off cap and puts on one marked 
''Ticket Agent'')— ^ow I'm the ticket seller. What's 
wanted ? ' 

Birdie — We want to know the fare to New York. 

Timothy — Seven-forty-two. 

Birdie — How much? 

Timothy (Loudly) — Seven-forty-twoi. Didn't 
you hear, me before ? 

Birdie — Oh, yes, I got you the first time ; but I'm 
asking now for my sister. 

(Timothy mugs angrily at her, then slams win- 
dow down, and both girls laugh.) 

Florence (Changing quickly from a laugh to a 
deep sigh) — Oh, dear, how can we make light of 
so desperate a situation? We are acting as if we 
didn't have a care in the world. 

Birdie— That's so; I forgot. Say, I'll bet my 
stomach thinks all the cooks in the world are out on 
strike. 

Timothy (Throwing up window; to Florence) 
— Is that your dog you have there ? 

Florence — Yes, sir. 

Timothy — Would ye mind givin' me a little in- 
formation ? 



TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Florence — Certainly not. 

Timothy — What's he good for besides killing? 
(Mugs and slams window down.) 

Florence (Laughs) — Our Irish friend is coming 
back strong, isn't he? 

Birdie — He seems to be everything around this 
station. I wonder if he owns the road. I'll ask 
him. (Raps on window. Timothy raises it) — Do 
you own this railroad? 

Timothy — No, ma'am ; it's bad enough to work 
for it, let alone owning it. 

Florence — Would you mind telling us the name 
of this station? 

Timothy — Sure, and if ye'll raise your eyes and 
look up, ye'll see it on the building. 

(Both girls look at sign, ''O'Hell/' then Birdie 
exclaims ''Oh!", then claps her hand over her 
mouth.) 

Florence — How in the world did this place get 
such a name ? 

Timothy — That's easy. Ye see, the man that dis- 
covered this place first put his hands in his pock- 
ets, looked all about, then says — well, that's what 
he said up there — and, b'gorry, every one that's 
discovered the town since then has said the same 
thing. (Slams window down. Girls laugh.) 

Florence — Come, Birdie, there's no use standing 
here. We've got to skirmish. Come. (Both walk 
to R. I E,; Florence exits, Birdie stops, looks up 
at sign.) 



10 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Birdie — That goes double with me, and takes in 
my sister. (Exits.) 

(Enter Timothy L. i E. He is pushing a truck, 
on which are a trunk and two grips. Stops Center.) 

Timothy — Now, I'm the baggage man. (Sits on 
trunk J takes out pipe and tobacco, fills and lights 
pipe, then takes from pocket an old stocking in 
which is a quantity of money, counts it) Five and 
six are ten — no, eleven; and three is thirteen, and 
six are nineteen. Nineteen dollars, all told. B'gor- 
ry, it must be hard work savin' up to be a million- 
aire. I've been savin' up to buy me one of them 
funnygrafts that plays tunes and things for $25.00, 
and 'tis mighty hard work I've found it. (Confi- 
dential tone) Ye know, I was after thinkin' that 
bein' this is such a lonely place, I'd be buyin' me a 
funnygraft so I could play tunes on it to pass the 
time away. B'gorry, I started to save me money 
last New Year's a year ago, and now I have only 
nineteen dollars, and the funnygraft is twenty-five 
dollars. (Takes a few vigorous puffs on pipe, then 
sighs, wraps money carefully in handkerchief, and 
restores it to his pocket.) 'Tis the dearest wish I 
have on earth — to be the landlord of one of them 
funnygrafts, and I'm goin' to have one if I save me 
head off. 

(Enter Florence and Birdie R. i E. Timothy 
rises and tips baggage off truck with a bang, then 
starts to wheel truck off.) 

Florence — Say, what do you mean by slamming 
our baggage around in that manner? 



TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Timothy (Stopping and looking over his shoul- 
der) — And in what manner did ye want it slammed ? 

Birdie — We don't want it slammed at all, Mr. 
Grouch. 

Florence — And we'll report you to the boss, if 
you're not careful. ^ 

Timothy — Oh, ye will, will ye? 

Birdie — Yes, we will. 

Timothy — Well, fire ahead. I'm the boss. 

Birdie — My goodness, are you anything else 
around here ? You're the station agent, train caller, 
porter, baggage master, freight agent, and — 

Timothy — And the yard foreman, lamp tender, 
switchman, bill clerk, track walker, section foreman, 
section hand, telegraph operator, agent for the In- 
ternational Harvester Company, agent for the Pru- 
dential Insurance Company — say, I couldn't sell ye 
a policy, could I ? (Birdie laughs.) 

Florence (Laughs) — Hardly. I'm not in the 
market for one to-day. 

Timothy — Better take out some insurance. It'll 
come in handy if ye travel on this road. 

Florence (Sighs) — It doesn't strike me at all 
forcibly that we're going to do any traveling on 
this road. 

Timothy (To Birdie) — How about ye, little one? 

Birdie — Oh, I'm going to travel on my face ! 

Timothy — Oh, ye don't intend to go very far, do 
ye? 

Florence — No. You see, we're stranded. 

Timothy — Stranded ? And what's that ? 



12 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Florence — We are actresses. The company we 
were with "closed," which is a poHte term for "bust- 
ed." The money we had brought us this far on our 
way home, and — here we are. 

Timothy — Oh! And what made the company 
bust ? 

Birdie — Well, the title of our show was "A Dish 
of Prunes." The leading lady got so hungry one 
day she ate the title, and then she got so full of 
prunes she couldn't play her part. 

Timothy (Has been standing, meanwhile, with 
truck handles in his hands and looking over one 
shoulder at them; now he drops truck) — Say, are 
yez tryin' to kid me? 

Birdie — Cross my heart. 

Timothy — Well, well. Ye know, Fm goin* to 
have a funnygraft one of these fine days — Fve been 
savin' up fer — Oh, would ye mind singin' me a 
song? Fm dead stuck on tunes. (Lights dim.) 

Florence — Why, we're hardly in the humor 
for— 

Birdie — Say, I feel just as much like singing as I 
do of making a dive from a ten-story building into 
a bottle of catsup! 

Timothy — Sure, and wouldn't ye sing to please 
me? 

Florence — We'll try — to please you. 

Timothy — Thank ye. If ye'U start her goin' I'll 
be back in a jiffy. I must get me signal lights on. 

(Orchestra picks up introduction of song, Tim- 
othy exits with truck. Florence and Birdie sing 



13 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



verse of song, then re-enter Timothy with switch 
lamps. He sets them on switch rods at each side of 
drop, then joins in chorus with them. Switch lights 
to he so arranged that they make a -flood glow for 
stage front. As he places lamp he says, "Now, I'm 
the light man.") 

Timothy (After song) — B'gorry, that's better 
than a funnygraft ! That's the first I've sung a tune 
in a long time. Ye know I've been sick. 

Florence — Indeed ? And did the doctor say you 
had a pronounced disease. 

Timothy — Sure and he did, but I couldn't pro- 
nounce it to save me life. 

(Florence and Timothy sit on trunk. Birdie on 
suitcase. Timothy fills and lights pipe.) 

Birdie (To Timothy) — What time does the next 
train go past here toward New York? 

Timothy — Eight-forty-nine. Are ye thinkin' of 
takin' it? 

Florence — No, of course not. 

Birdie — No. I just wanted to look at something^ 
that was going to New York, that's all. (Sighs.) 

Timothy — Say, I have a suspicion that you gals 
have no money. 

Birdie— Suspicion? Gee whiz, it's more than a 
suspicion — it's a mortal cinch I 

Florence— Hush, sister; we must not tell our 
troubles to a stranger. 

Timothy — Yes, of course, I've never been intro- 
duced to yez. What name have yez hangin' to yez? 



14 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Florence — My name is Florence Feathertop, and 
this is my sister, Birdie. 

Timothy (Rises^ takes off cap, and makes an 
awkward bow) — Pleased to make yer acquaintance, 
I'm sure. My name is Timothy McDuff. (Sits.) 
Feathertop, eh ? That's a peculiar name. 

Florence — That's our stage name. Our family 
name is O'Brien. 

Timothy (Slow smile gradually spreads over his 
face, and he moves closer to her) — O'Brien, is it? 
Sure and ye couldn't call us strangers now, miss. 

Birdie {Aside) — Oh, you kiddo! 

Timothy — And ye got no folks to appeal to ? 

Florence — No — none that we would appeal to. 

Timothy — No husband? 

Florence — No ; I'm not married. Are you ? 

Timothy — Nope. Ye see, gettin' married is like 
goin' to a fire. 

Florence — And how is that ? 

Timothy — Why, ye run there and walk back. 
But why didn't ye get married and settle down in- 
stead of goin' on the stage ? 

Florence — I think I see myself in an East Har- 
lem flat, with cheese-cloth curtains on the windows 
and a garbage can on the fire escape, counting on 
tny fingers how many wienerwursts we get for a 
dime. No, thank you. 

Birdie — Me, too. 

Timothy — 'Tis a woman's place to marry; to 
have a home and some little ones playin' about the 
place. Now ye look like the kind of a woman that 



15 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



would make a good home for some good man. Go 
back to New York, and— have ye got a mother? 

Florence (Bows head sadly) — Yes. (Birdie 
covers face with both hands.) 

Timothy — Then go back to her and wait — wait 
till a man comes along that can give ye somethin' 
besides cheese-cloth curtains and wienerwursts. 
Then — (Hesitates and puifs on pipe.) 
Florence — -Yes — and then? 
Timothy — Name the first one — Timothy. (Flor- 
ence hangs head.) 

Birdie (Aside) — He's a booster for the orange- 
blossom industry, all right. (Florence starts to 
speak, hut Timothy raises his hand and checks 
her.) 

Timothy — Hold on, I ain't done yet. That's 
damn good advice I give ye, but ye can't get to 
New York on good advice. Here. (Pulls from 
pocket the old stocking and starts to unroll it.) 
Here's the stuff that backs Good Advice and makes 
it the big favorite in the race of life. (Shows 
money.) 

Florence (Rises quickly to feet) — No, no, Mr. 
McDuff. We can't take your money. We — 
Timothy — Aw, shut up ! 

Florence— Really, Mr. McDuff, you are very 
kind, but — 

Timothy (Interrupts)— It's a poke in the jaw 
ye'll get in a minute. Now ye take this and buy 
two tickets to New York — and yer old mother. 
(Holds money out to her.) 



16 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Florence (//aw^j head) — I — I — 

Timothy — Oh, ye needn't be timid about takin' 
it! IVe — I've been tryin' to spend it fer a long 
time, but have been too busy to — 

Florence — Mr. McDuff, you are telling a story. 
This is the money you have saved to buy that 
phonograph with. You — 

Timothy {Laughs) — B'gorry, that's a good joke. 
{Changes to angry voice quickly.) Aw, go on, ye 
make me sick. Are ye goin' to take this, or this ? 
{Shows first money and then his closed fist.) 

Florence {Frightened, takes money) — I — I — 
Yes, sir. 

Timothy — That's better. Now ye haven't got 
much time before No. 8 is due, so ye'd better buy 
yer tickets, and — 

Birdie {Half crying) — Oh, Mr. McDuff, we 
thank — 

Timothy {To Birdie) — And who dealt ye cards 
in this game ? Now, then, ye'll have to excuse me ; 
I got to open up the ticket window. Somebody 
might want to buy a ticket, ye know. . {Makes exit 
through door in drop, then throws up window.) 
Now, I'm the ticket seller. Anybody want tickets ? 
(Florence goes to window, lays down money.) 
Well, what do ye want? 

Florence {Half laughing and crying) — Why, 
you know ! 

Timothy — I'm no mind reader. Where to ? 
. Florence — New York. 

Timothy-^How many? 



17 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Florence — Two, please. 

(Engine whistle sounds some distance off.) 

Timothy — There ye be. (Hands out tickets and 
takes money from shelf.) The train is 'most here. 

Birdie (Meanwhile has been standing with back 
to audience, watching them; now goes to window 
and puts out her hand) — Mr. McDuff, we can't 
thank you enough, but we'll send you back the 
money if we have to scrub for it — you take it from 
me. 

Timothy (Takes her hand and shakes it) — All 
right, little one. Run along now, I'm busy. (Birdie 
turns away.) 

Florence (Shaking his hand) — I want to thank 
you — 

Timothy — All right, but go on with ye— ye're 
blockin' the wheels of traffic. 

(Florence and Birdie ticrn and start to pick up 
grips.) 

Timothy— Drop those grips. The baggage man 
takes care of all baggage. 

(The girls turn, and as they are about to exit they 
wheel about and exclaim: ''Good-bye, Mr. McDuff 
— Good-bye!") 

Timothy— Good-bye. Give my regards to Broad- 
way. 

(They exit, waving hands at him. Orchestra 
plays softly, ''Good-bye, Girlie, and Remember Me.'' 
Timothy enters through door and looks after the 
girls.) 



18 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM 



Timothy — There goes my funnygraft. Well, 
maybe 'tis just as well. I'm thinkin' me old hands 
is too stiff to play one, anyhow. 

(Engine whistle again. He gets truck, puts bag- 
gage carefully on it, then sound of train coming to 
a stop. He starts to exit with truck, stops, turns 
and looks up at sign on drop and exclaims '''O'Hell,'* 
then exits. Then noise of train starting, engine 
whistle, and train leaving station.) 



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